Trying to Understand...

Why? God why? Why must I feel like this....? This feeling of emptiness and wanting of someone...someone that is tangible... I need him...where is he? I am trying to wait...right now it is unbearable! I just want to know who it is? where he is? If it is him or not? Show me God? I want to talk to him yet I dont I am waiting for him to make the move. Why must it be so hard?! Why am I in this funk?! I went from a high to a low... Why do I want him so much right now? it does not make sense to me....especially if it is not him....God I need an answer! I know I still need to fix me...God what is going on? Why???

A Work in Progress

I definitely needed last night! High schoolers just seem to still have that child within them that just shines and brings that out in me! Something about the way the worship carefree it is one of the best times to worship is when I am with high schoolers I cannot explain it...you all should just experience it once.

Then I totally forgot about tomorrow here my best friend is coming into town and I made other plans with my other best friend confusing I know...but yet I dont know I feel like I have lost base with her why do I always have to be the one to make the effort...why do I get blamed if I do not do something about it...dont get me wrong I love her to death...it just got on my nerves

Then with coming back home I have made a new life in back at college and it just seems like I am useless here sure I have a couple friends but it is not the same...I truly have no life now?!
On one hand though I am getting a lot of reading done yet not focusing on what I should be....and that was another thing last night I was reminded how my body is not my body but God's and though we are broken and think we cannot be used at all....God takes us and uses us! It is His summer to use me for I am free in Him and He is why I am here!

Everything seems to be complicated at times but I am getting through with His strength!


"For I can do everything through Christ who give me strength." Philippians 4:13

Lost and didnt even know...

Its amazing how one can be missing something for a few days and not realize it until it is found again.
Here I am worshiping in church and realize how I have not come to him with anything in the past few days I put him on the back burner...why I have no reason I had time and yet it did not occur to me to have in in that time.
I even missed worshiping something was lost within me these past few days but now I am back.
After I had my quiet time tonight I had this feeling I cannot even explain...I guess I felt filled or at peace but that does not even put it right.
I just needed Him and forgot...You wonder how people can get caught up in life and forget about Him or not realize He is there...but it is not until you experience Him that you can miss Him. Life is not worth living without God and that is for sure...PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW HIM!
Yet I still do not go out and tell them about Him...why?!
If I know He is my everything, that He is there for me through everything, that He loves me no matter what.......what am I so afraid of? them rejecting me....dumb
HE will still love me and that is the only thing that matters!
God made you perfect just the way He planned!

Psalm 139

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good
things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

Part of His Book

so I really dont know what I want to write...I cry out with no reply and I cant feel you by my side so I hold tight to what I know you are here and I am never ALONE! You are apart of me though you are invisible (Barlow Girl)
God is blessing the broken road that is leading me to you! (Rascal Flats)
He will like me for me (Third Eye Blind)
I am just waiting...God is writing my love story(Barlow Girl)

I am putting it in God's hands not my own He has the perfect plan for my life...

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper not to harm you but to give you a hope and a future."

Waiting, attempting that is...

"Average Girl" by Barlow Girl
So what I'm not your average girlI don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring
No more datingI'm just waitingLike sleeping beauty
My prince will come for meNo more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story
Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for youIf you get tired waiting till he comes
Gods arms are the perfect place to run
Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep
GodsPreparing one for me


Easier said then done I would like to say I am putting God in full control of my relationships but at times it is hard especially right now...I keep playing games and I need to stop and focus on God. I have this battle inside of my head that I do not need to have in my head if I put my trust in Him! I keep going oh he likes me or no he doesn't or I have these jealous feelings. I just need to figure out what God wants and if I am just to be focusing on Him and only Him or if this guy I like is the thing I am supposed to going after.
I am trying that is all I can do...

Making Ourselves Visible

Invisible
As I walk the halls they don’t notice me
Or they pretend I am not there
They know of my background
But do they know the underneath

They judge me for what they see
I have to hide the real me
I cannot keep living this lie
I make myself invisible

I don’t want them to find out
I have been ridiculed before

Let them see the real me
The underneath
I want to become visible

For some reason this poem right now just fits what is going on and not even necessarily with me but yet I have felt this way where I cannot be myself and I hide away. I would rather be invisible than be visible at times. Put on the smile and go!

I am tired of it, sometimes I have no idea what it is but am!

Lord so many people are hurting, I can just feel there weight upon me, I have never seen it so much. Fill them, fill me. Help take the pain away, the trials, block the devil from attacking.

Let us as brothers and sisters in Christ build each other up in Him and be able to speak to each other about what is going on in their lives. I am tired of the mediocre.

Trust seems to have been a huge issue as well

1 Peter 5:7 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

Psalm 55:22 "Give all your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall."

Have patience in His plan...now that is a hard statement I keep giving it to Him yet keep falling back into the same rut. I need to guard my heart...

Psalm 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord, be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

Well God you keep using my story and me in other peoples lives and keep realizing why these things happened. You are truly amazing! Continue to pour into me.

There is so much more to be said...

God is good even through the down times he is always with us in the fires (Daniel 3)

Its been a long time...

So I keep doing this to myself the same old thing...why I ask myself? I try to get it out of my head these deceitful lies, not that they are all bad but just to know that the devil is trying to get under my skin and use my thoughts against me! I just needed to come here and get it out...and I realized in the process that I have not been on here in a really long...............time!

I do not know where time went honestly. Things have gotten better with my roommate we are more acquaintances now, but after TCX, which was this amazing Campus Crusade for Christ conference in Minneapolis, MN (I will probably talk more about that in a later blog), I feel like I need to reach out to her more and in general with people that I know! I want to be more like Jesus in the sense that he went out ate with people that were sinners ( not saying I am not one) and just love on them! I feel like we should be more of a community within our Christian group as well. I have realized how much I need Jesus in my life and how important it is to walk with him every day of my life! Wow now that you know what I took away from TCX... haha

This past semester was amazing I have gotten to know a lot of amazing people, God has blessed me with great friends that is fo show! :) Oh and now I have changed my major from Early Childhood Education to Elementary Education that is a story in itself! Basically I did not get everything I needed to go into ECE and apparently I am supposed to go into El. Ed. Now I have to figure out a minor, so be praying for me for that! I probably will not be done with college now for another 2yrs but I feel God has some amazing plans in store for me there!

I feel there is so much more to say...I will leave you with this:

Joshua 1:9
This is my command be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!