Hitting the rock...and breaking it down to its core!

It feels like I am hitting a rock right now...I do not know where to turn I wish things could be different, yet I am still going through life not changing a thing. I learn a lesson but do I actually go out and change no! Why not? That is my question to myself. The whole time when I was in West Virginia I thought this is my time...no distractions...I would have been able to have such amazing quiet times but of course I did nothing. However I know that even though I was not pursuing Him, He was sure pursuing me. I still felt He taught me things on my trip. Even though I did not listen to Him when He was clearly calling me to come and meet with Him somehow He got through to me. I am most definitely lost in this world without Him, He is the one who carries me through. Even in these past few years as I was/am trying to go through our families financial situation, to my best friend moving away, to one of my close friends death, to my first breakup. All these trials have strengthened me and have had their purpose in my life to varying degrees. Some I still am coping with every now and again.
I guess I feel like I am trying to hide in a bubble or maybe it is just my personality of how I cope with things. I kind of jumped to something else right now...because I do entrap myself...I purposely avoid thinking about things instead of facing them head on. I swim on the surface of everything just to avoid the tough stuff. Someone asks how are you? my response is pretty good but am I truly? sometimes or at that moment maybe but before or after who knows. Only God does! He is there for me and is there to catch every tear I cry. I have learned that He is the reason we are here, He is the reason we are living, He is the reason! Though there are things that we sometimes do not understand He has a plan and we should trust Him with it even though it may be hard sometimes...and boy do I know...yet in the end it brings out rewards!

Philippians 4:13 "For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 " That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather , we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."

Nahum 1:7 " The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him."

A couple other good scriptures that I am not going to write down but you can read on your own time are Ecclesiastes 3:1-13 and Job 1 which he gets everything taken away from him yet he still praises God. As I was going through my journal of things one entry after I read Job 1 I wrote that "though we have troubled times just have faith in God and what He is doing.---trust---God has a plan though we may not see it now there is always a reason for things. "

I was going to talk about my trip, but now I will save that for next time.

Brought Back

Its amazing how one can see something in a different light when you look at it long enough or just have a clear mind. Like the beautiful clouds of a storm in the distance or the lightening that lights up the dark night. You can just see the beauty that God created, feeling the wind on your skin and as you take it in it brings you back. As it brought me back tonight it made me think of so many of the good old days in which I miss; The ozarks, watching the storm roll in with my best friend, etc. It made me have this weird feeling of what is my life amounting to right now, where did those days go. Right now I am wasting away my days on what television, surfing the web, and sleep?! There is so much more out there that I could be doing. Life is going by way too fast and here I am not living it the way I should be, following God's path for me, I am just making my own way right now. It is just a strange feeling I am having right now in which I cannot put into words. I am saddened yet happy. I am contemplative at the moment, I guess that describes it well. I feel as though there is so much more to say though!
Life is amazing, short, and a blessing! And I want to live it the way God wants me to.

just writing

AHHH.... so right now I am sick of the trials with money. I just need someone there to talk to right now and I am wondering how people are able to just waste their money away on things. I do not know right now my mind is running a thousand miles a minute and I do not even know I just needed to type right now.

Capturing the true feelings

I keep putting on a smile even though at times I really do not feel that way. I was looking through some old photos, and sure they capture a moment but do they truly capture they way you are feeling at that moment. In some of the photos I know I was going through a lot of pain yet I put on a smile trying to pretend that everything was okay.
I try to get past certain things as well, but I still get these angry revengeful thoughts/ annoyed and I do not know why I am over it...WHY??? I keep asking God to help me to move on with my life and right now things are moving in a different direction. For one I no longer work for the thrift store, and second I no longer am helping out with the two year olds at church. I loved both things, especially the two year olds and I will miss them however I know that this is Gods plan for my life right now and I am ready for a change. Instead I will be babysitting and then I am continuing helping out with the high school ministry, which right now I feel that God is using me a lot.
I am going to keep the faith!